♥ this has gotta end.

you know what?
im gonna laugh my ass off till this finally stops hurting.seriously.
it sucks.this REALLY REALLY(X1 billion)sucks..
i swear if i can turn back time i would not chose to have my lame outburst..
im sick of having to put on a jovial face smiling when i know things are obviously not.
yes,its perfectly fine on the outside..but we both know its not..i dun think you'll disagree for that.we're still holding something back..i really want to apologise for things i've done..but i fear for your rejection and for you to stuff right at my fact telling me everything is fine..and ok but we both know its not.
i may have a nice house,nice boyfriend yea wadever.i'll tell you what i lack off..i lack of joy.i lack of self-esteem.and most of all i lack of your forgiveness.just because you have everthing you want doesnt make you someone happy.
because when you have everything you've ever wanted..you start losing everything you had.wads the damn diff?am i being too greedy to want so many things?
yes,i was being negligent to you.it's my fault..im so sorry.
damn i hate living in this god damned lie..pretending nothing is wrong and smile at you everytime you look at me. it hurts..it seriously does.i know i crossed the line when i told eben and made you sound like a bitch or something..but no i did not itentionally made it sound that way.i was just telling my side of the story and wasnt thinking of how you felt..and everything i thought was actually a big mistake and a total misinterpretion.im sorry. i really wanna apologize for what i've done.

i know it really thick skin of me to be such a bitch and then turn right around to ask for your apology..but im really sorry..thats all i can tell you..i dunno what else to say. i dun know how the hell things turn out this way..and how it freaking ended like this..i hate quarelling. its not like you dunno that.but what i hate even more is to bottle up everything inside and act like everything alrite when we know its not.i'd rather we clear things and get the hell with life than putting on this fake front and stand there being confused at what the hell its happening and things will just get worse.it sucks having to wonder whether you're pissed or whether we're through..do you know the insecurity of it all?

fine.im scared.im scared of losing yr trust.im scared of losing this friendship.most of all im scared of losing my best friend.im not someone brave and its not ok for me to leave things as it is.it sucks..it may not bother you but it does affect me.and you know how much it pains me to see things end like that?...